


Tell Me Your Future ; or, Preservation

by eyesocketsandsuits (writingandchocolatemilk)



Category: Skulduggery Pleasant - Derek Landy
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Humor, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-10-01 05:03:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17237921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingandchocolatemilk/pseuds/eyesocketsandsuits
Summary: The mud squelched under Valkyrie's boots. She was doing one better than Skulduggery. The entirety of Skulduggery'sbeingsquelched.





	Tell Me Your Future ; or, Preservation

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FreshPrincess_ishere](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FreshPrincess_ishere/gifts).



The mud squelched under Valkyrie's boots. She was doing one better than Skulduggery. The entirety of Skulduggery's  _being_  squelched.

"Stop it," Skulduggery said.

"I'm not doing anything."

"I know you might not believe it, me having no eyeballs, but I do, actually, see the stupid smile on your face."

Valkyrie sucked on her lips to stop herself from smiling. It didn't work.

"That didn't work. I can still,  _still_  see your smile."

Valkyrie hopped over a particularly large puddle. "I was just thinking…"

"Please enlighten me."

"Are you sure?"

"Please enlighten me before I turn around and murder everyone."

Valkyrie swung her arms. "Alright, okay, if you're  _sure_. I was just thinking that—well, more like wondering,  _how_  you can see."

Skulduggery looked at her.

Valkyrie grinned at him. "How you can see with all that mud in your eye sockets?"

Skulduggery's hand flew up to his face. He flicked his wrist and a glob of mud floated out of his face. He flicked his wrist again and the blob of mud soared off over the moor.

"You know," Skulduggery said. "There really is no other environment—ecosystem, perhaps—worse than a moor. It's all mud and grass and swamp. And even swampland has more life than this barren, inhospitable wasteland. It's just worms and rot and mummified rats—"

"You're really torn up that a bunch of old hags threw you around their swamp, huh?"

" _Hags_ , that's a beautiful word for them. Although, as I'm sure you're well aware, they're just an extreme version of sensitives. Old followers of Delphi, but how they ended up in this—" Skulduggery sank knee-deep into a mud puddle, "—this  _blasted_ swamp is absolutely beyond me!"

Valkyrie grinned at him.

"You're not considering joining those lunatics, are you?" Skulduggery attempted to lift the mud and swamp from his pant leg, but was clearly having trouble.

"No, of course not. I quite like bras and clothes and all that. However, I  _am_  flattered they asked. No one has ever asked me to join them before. I had to force you to let me tag along. I had to threaten you."

"You threatened my  _hat_."

"Which is the same thing. But these gals?"

"Hags."

"These gals invited me to join their weird, naked cult because they said I would be  _good_  at it."

Skulduggery walked on in silence for a few steps. He slipped into another puddle and cursed again. " _Bloody_  swamp. Did they agree, by the way? I was too busy being thrown around to hear."

"Oh, yeah, they agreed."

"Excellent. Nothing worse than having a bunch of police men disappearing in this swamp.  _Again_."

"Do you think it's real, by the way?"

Skulduggery laughed. "Do I think looking at the mummified bodies of men predicts the future? Do I think their spirits whisper to those lunatics about the future based on their past? I think Delphi got high on cave fumes."

" _Very_  pissed off you got thrown around the swamp, huh?"

"Finally."

The car loomed out of the mist and mire.

Valkyrie's car, because Skulduggery had been convinced the tires couldn't take the drive there. It was mainly dirt roads—and the Bentley had gone through worse—but towards the end of the journey, it had been purely off-road.

Of course, now there were rocks and all sorts of shit in  _Valkyrie's_  wheels.

Skulduggery reached for the driver's side door.

Valkyrie felt her heart leap into her throat. " _Hey_."

Skulduggery froze instantly. "Yes?"

"Don't get in my car dirty."

Skulduggery looked at her and tilted his head. "I lifted most of the dirt off."

"But not  _all_  of it, right? You still reek, no offense."

"How could I possibly take offense to you calling me a disgusting heathen, dear?"

"Oh, come on, I didn't go that far. You're not a heathen, just covered in mud and I really don't want to clean the interior of my car on top of fishing out pebbles from my suspension. Just strip."

Skulduggery tilted his head like he was thinking about a puzzle.

Valkyrie threw her hands in the air. "There's no one around for  _kilometers_ , and it'll be dark by the time we get back, no one will see, and then I won't have to spend all day cleaning tomorrow so you won't get to mope like you do and monolog."

"I don't  _monolog_."

"But!" Valkyrie pointed at him. "You  _do_  deflect. Strip, Mr. Bones."

"Very well, Ms. Cain."

Valkyrie rested her chin on the top of her car and watched as Skulduggery loosened his tie. He held it out at arm's length and let it drop to the ground.

"Spiteful, Mr. Pleasant."

"I'm no such thing."

"Masochistic."

Skulduggery undid his cufflinks and shrugged out of his suit jacket. "Says the woman forcing a defenseless skeleton to strip. My natural modesty is under fire, Ms. Cain."

He hesitated, just for a second, before he unbuttoned his dress shirt. Valkyrie let out an appreciative noise from the back of her throat.

"Stop that," Skulduggery said, neutral, deep.

"I did nothing. Pants, come on now."

Skulduggery loosened his belt and let his pants fall.

"No boxers?"

"There isn't much point, is there?"

Valkyrie drank in the sight of Skulduggery. He so rarely let her look at him without a suit, she almost forgot what he looked like, sometimes. The curve of his spine, the sharp points of his ribs, the shoulder joints held aloft by magic, magic, magic.

Skulduggery's body was still, trying to hide his body language, and he reached down and scooped up his clothing. He folded them as he walked to the boot of the car and opened it. Valkyrie watched his long legs move, the femur in the socket, the tarsal bones in his feet slide and shift to help him keep balance.

Valkyrie liked his feet, the magnetic dance of the bones there.

But all too quickly, he slid into the driver' seat of her car.

Valkyrie let her head loll back as she heaved a sigh and followed him into the car.

Skulduggery started the car and began to drive. "Has anyone ever told you you're a pervert, Ms. Cain?"

"I think the word for it is necrophilia." Valkyrie shrugged, casual as can be, yes sir. "Though you call yourself a dead man, I don't think it's the right for it—"

"Objectophilia."

Valkyrie looked at him, then. "You're not an object."

"I'm a display model."

"A sexy display model."

Valkyrie reached over and rested her hand on his femur.

Skulduggery looked down.

"Eyes on the road, Mr. Pleasant."

Skulduggery's head snapped up accordingly.

"There isn't a road, Ms. Cain. It's just grass, well, it's just  _marsh_ , so it's grass over water, and I really do hope we don't get stuck in a sink hole, because then your transmission is going to flood and I—"

Valkyrie slid her hand farther up his femur.

"—and I have absolutely no clue on how to fix that, so we'll have to call a tow truck, and I'm going to have one fun time either explaining why I'm A, a talking skeleton, or B, why my suit is both wrinkled and covered in mud."

Valkyrie's hand had made it up to the hip join. Her fingers played around the joint, casually on his iliac crest, the pitted surface.

"Actually, it's quite incredible how, despite once owning a model-T, I still have very little understanding of much of the machinery that makes up the modern day horse, beyond a basic understanding—"

Valkyrie's pinkie edged its way to his pubis symphysis.

"—and I truly do think many of the magical advancements—and mechanical—I've added to the Bentley has hindered my understanding of the—my ribs, please."

Valkyrie smiled at him and moved her fingers to his ribs. This is where most of his scars were, and where he was most sensitive. Feather light, her fingers traced over the gouges. She scooted closer to him, one hand reaching into the dip of his pelvis to run her fingers over his sacrum, the fused vertebrae, the other on his ribs.

His chin dipped to his clavicle, and Valkyrie realized he had stopped driving the car.

His head rolled to look at her. "You really are incredible, did you know that?"

"Yes."

Skulduggery moaned.

Valkyrie watched intently at the way his legs twitched under her ministrations. "Does that feel good?"

"Yes."

"Tell me. Talk to me." She let her fingers trail down the tips of his ribs, then trailed along one of the small ones toward the bottom.

"Different than to how I was when I was alive. Better, because it's recent, because you know how it works, because you want to touch me, I don't want it to stop, because I'm so used to only feeling the worst sort of sensations but that your fingers make me feel good, make me feel alive."

Valkyrie felt herself getting wet from his words. "Can you cum?"

"No, but I can make  _you_  cum. Put your seat down."

Valkyrie did as she was asked, one hand struggling with her belt as her other one fumbled for the latch to the seat. Finally, her head sank back, and then Skulduggery was clambering over her like a spider.

One arm supported Skulduggery's weight above her while his other hand slid into her pants. He laughed against her neck. "I see you're not a fan of underwear, either."

Valkyrie bucked her hips. "All the easier for you, Mr. Pleasant."

"How thoughtful of you."

Skulduggery rubbed his knuckles against her clit. "Although, this discovery has me wondering if this whole attempt on my modesty was something planned in advanced. But you wouldn't do that, would you, Valkyrie?"

His knuckles rubbed together on either side of her clit. She could feel how wet she was and was almost embarrassed because he had hardly touched her, but his voice and his fingers and—

"Would you, Valkyrie?"

"Maybe. I might," she moaned, hardly hearing her words.

"Oh, yes, I figured as much. You're always trying to get me out of my impeccably tailored suits, aren't you? And touching me because you know how good I am at touching you."

He slipped one finger into her. Valkyrie felt herself clench around him.

"You're very wet. You know, for all my shyness, it turns me on that you find me attractive. It turns me on that you get this wet from touching me."

He withdrew and then put two fingers inside her.

"I like the way your breath hitches every time I move around you, near you, in you. I like the way your hips move with my fingers, the way you throw your head back, the way you tilt your head to listen to my words, the way you mouth my name, that you don't even notice all these things you do as I finger you."

Skulduggery's thumb moved up to rub her clit as he massaged his fingers inside of her. Valkyrie clenched again and felt the sensation start to build with every touch. She felt her face flush and she let out little moans with each shallow breath she took.

She spread her legs more, trying to give him better access, to make the feeling come quicker, so that she didn't lose it, oh God, oh God oh god

Valkyrie moaned and leaned forward as she came, her cheek pressed against Skulduggery's clavicle. Waves of the orgasm pulsed through her as she cried out against Skulduggery.

Valkyrie blinked dreamily up at Skulduggery. "That felt super good."

"Naturally."

"Another reason I wouldn't join those witches—I like orgasms too much."

"You could still have orgasms." Skulduggery gently removed his fingers from her.

"Yeah but I like how you finger me. And, like, I guess I like  _you_."

Skulduggery suddenly leaned down and pressed his teeth against Valkyrie's lips. He kissed her. He gave her a kiss on the lips.

Valkyrie grabbed his head and pressed more kisses against his teeth, laughing. "You in a good mood now?" she said in-between kisses. "You feeling better from you ass-kicking earlier? Happy now? Hm?"

"Deliriously happy."

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: "Don't get my car dirty. Humour and smut would be great? Go wild."
> 
> Euphemisms not used: velvet gash, love tunnel, vertical scowl, and my favorite, spasm chasm. 
> 
> well, i did say i would be the person to write skeleton porn lmao


End file.
